I'm moving into new emotional territory for me. I like being alone. (GASP!)
It scares me a little. Many years ago... A (going to call the "ex" A instead. Seems nicer.) ... Anyway A left to go work in another state. S1 was 2 years old. I cried my eyes out! I didn't know how I would handle life without him. I was scared out of my mind. I felt so alone.
Fast forward 14 years... and after leaving an incredibly stressful marriage over a year ago, I kinda like being alone. Sure, It is much easier to juggle everything when I have someone to help share in the daily duties. At the end of the day though, I like crawling into my own bed, watching what I want on TV, blogging on my computer,and eating a spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate chips.
I know that must sound selfish to some people. For me, It is an accomplishment! I am happy all by my little self!! I don't need someone to fill in the gaps. I don't have to have someone in my life to feel complete. I am getting a "A" in Algebra people!!!!! I am shocked and amazed at myself!
I've already been criticized for being too independent, so anyone thinking along those lines can save it for someone else. I know in my heart that God has wanted me to feel whole and complete for a long time. I spent so much time in survival mode that I forgot how to live. So, For now I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to find out who I am as a person... apart from being a mother and a spouse. Even though I love those roles.... they don't define me as an individual daughter of God.
I'm finding out who I am and how I want to live. What makes me happy. What I need to change. And when I feel that it is the time that God wants me to let someone into my heart again, I will (hopefully) allow that to happen. For the time being, I'm going to enjoy feeling strong and finding happiness within myself. It is a nice change....
