Love/Compassion/Forgiveness

I struggle with these three words. My "ex" and I fought about this alot. I have always loved him. I'm sure part of me always will. I feel compassion for him and his struggles. I really do. I want him to be happy. I forgive him for all the crappy stuff he said and did to me. I know that because I'm not angry at him anymore. Believe me when I say I was angry! I was spitting nails angry, don't touch me angry, if I don't get away from you I'm going to explode angry. Over the past year I was able, somehow, to just stop being angry.

What is so perplexing to him is why I don't love love him now. My only explanation is that... in trying to protect my self from what felt like his emotional assaults on my spirit, I stopped loving him as my husband. I had to take back my power, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had to stop being vulnerable to him.I was a love hemophiliac.... hemorrhaging all over the place. Trying to find something to stop the bleeding, but was always looking in the wrong place. Then one day it clicked. I could stop the bleeding. I shut it off.

That's when this crazy thing happened. Me! This happy, excited, fun, determined woman. And I love her! She is amazing!!

So, Why don't,can't won't I love him like a husband. I guess it would feel like I'm going backwards. Making myself vulnerable and open to him does not feel safe to me. Yes, I know people can change, I've seen it, I've lived it. It can happen. Does that mean God expects us to just let them back in without question? I don't think so. Does that erase the consequences of past behavior? I don't think so either. Can you start in a new place and move forward... maybe.. but without expectations.

I love him, have compassion for him, and forgive him because he is a human being, a son of God, the father of my children. I can't/won't get any further than that. It's too big of a risk for my newly healed heart to take.

Fear

I shouldn't wait so long to blog.... I have so much to say that I can't decide what to talk about.

I have been thinking a lot about fear lately. I'm told that that emotion doesn't come from God.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18-19

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Be not afraid of sudden fear." Proverbs something (sorry)

There are some things we should fear.... bad people with guns in our house, walking alone in a bad neighborhood at 3 a.m., spiders, bats, etc. We need to take precautions. The fear I am referring to is the fear that paralyzes us... keeps us from progressing, fear of failure, and fear of the unknown. For me, When something has come from God is has brought comfort, peace, love, joy.... sometimes a warning to do something or not to do something. Never fear though.

Looking back on my life... I can see where I let fear keep me from doing things, or doing them how I should have. Where I let it paralyze me; keeping me from moving forward. That really sucks, because it leads to regrets. I hate regrets. So, I'm trying really really hard to push through my fears. And I have so many right now! I keep trying to trust that Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, and will help me even if I'm totally imperfect & stupid sometimes.

I have to believe I'm moving in a good direction. I feel alive, hopeful, excited, and generally happy. Compared to a year ago... night and day.