I struggle with these three words. My "ex" and I fought about this alot. I have always loved him. I'm sure part of me always will. I feel compassion for him and his struggles. I really do. I want him to be happy. I forgive him for all the crappy stuff he said and did to me. I know that because I'm not angry at him anymore. Believe me when I say I was angry! I was spitting nails angry, don't touch me angry, if I don't get away from you I'm going to explode angry. Over the past year I was able, somehow, to just stop being angry.
What is so perplexing to him is why I don't love love him now. My only explanation is that... in trying to protect my self from what felt like his emotional assaults on my spirit, I stopped loving him as my husband. I had to take back my power, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had to stop being vulnerable to him.I was a love hemophiliac.... hemorrhaging all over the place. Trying to find something to stop the bleeding, but was always looking in the wrong place. Then one day it clicked. I could stop the bleeding. I shut it off.
That's when this crazy thing happened. Me! This happy, excited, fun, determined woman. And I love her! She is amazing!!
So, Why don't,can't won't I love him like a husband. I guess it would feel like I'm going backwards. Making myself vulnerable and open to him does not feel safe to me. Yes, I know people can change, I've seen it, I've lived it. It can happen. Does that mean God expects us to just let them back in without question? I don't think so. Does that erase the consequences of past behavior? I don't think so either. Can you start in a new place and move forward... maybe.. but without expectations.
I love him, have compassion for him, and forgive him because he is a human being, a son of God, the father of my children. I can't/won't get any further than that. It's too big of a risk for my newly healed heart to take.
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