My New Year's Resolutions have usually been pretty typical.... lose 10 lbs by Spring, quit swearing, do my visiting teaching, blah, blah, blah... So, This year I'm doing something different. A little all emcompassing. I need to do this....
My New Year's Resolution is... (drum roll please)...
Be True to Myself!!!!
Sounds simple right? Not for me..
First of all, What does "Be True to Myself" mean to me? It means that I listen to MY inner voice. I acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. I figure out why I am thinking or feeling a certain way. Go with the decision, thought, feeling that feels right and brings me peace. I know a lot of people already do this. I am a slow learner. I thought it was much more righteous to sacrifice my needs and wants for the happiness of others. Which is noble.... but leaves a person empty on the inside. Especially a mother, wife, and someone trying to be a good faithful person.
That doesn't mean I won't do anything I don't want to. It doesn't mean I will be selfish and only do for myself. WRONG! It means I will listen to my heart and soul. I will take time to take care of myself. I will be a better mom, wife, and person because I take the time to fill myself up.
I will also not give in to things that don't feel right, worthwhile, beautiful, or peaceful to me. I will give of myself out of my heart. I will not betray my very soul to please another again.
Something else I have to let go of is rigidity. I can't live my life peacefully if I'm afraid to make a mistake for fear of eternal damnation. I'm giving up the checklist and living by the bucket list. I compare the endless list of rules to The Law of Moses. It made it really easy for others to judge those not living the letter of the law. They even questioned the Savior's righteousness. I'm not going to "should all over myself" (Single Dad Laughing Blog). There is what was, what is, and what can be. That's it. NO MORE BEATING MYSELF UP!!!
If I truly live with God and love in my heart I don't need the should's and have-to's. The right things, choices, paths will be before me. God will lead me in the right direction without all the stress and guilt. One truth I know for me is that God meets me, all of us I believe, where we are. We are all the good ones, the rebellious ones, the stubborn ones, the loving ones.... to different degrees at different times or all at the same time.
I know I was kind of all over the place. Lots of stuff on my mind and in my heart. I'm determined to be me, to love others, to let others be themselves, to forgive myself and others, and be true to myself.
God Bless you in your own journey.... <3
Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, October 31, 2011
I Like Being Alone?
I'm moving into new emotional territory for me. I like being alone. (GASP!)
It scares me a little. Many years ago... A (going to call the "ex" A instead. Seems nicer.) ... Anyway A left to go work in another state. S1 was 2 years old. I cried my eyes out! I didn't know how I would handle life without him. I was scared out of my mind. I felt so alone.
Fast forward 14 years... and after leaving an incredibly stressful marriage over a year ago, I kinda like being alone. Sure, It is much easier to juggle everything when I have someone to help share in the daily duties. At the end of the day though, I like crawling into my own bed, watching what I want on TV, blogging on my computer,and eating a spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate chips.
I know that must sound selfish to some people. For me, It is an accomplishment! I am happy all by my little self!! I don't need someone to fill in the gaps. I don't have to have someone in my life to feel complete. I am getting a "A" in Algebra people!!!!! I am shocked and amazed at myself!
I've already been criticized for being too independent, so anyone thinking along those lines can save it for someone else. I know in my heart that God has wanted me to feel whole and complete for a long time. I spent so much time in survival mode that I forgot how to live. So, For now I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to find out who I am as a person... apart from being a mother and a spouse. Even though I love those roles.... they don't define me as an individual daughter of God.
I'm finding out who I am and how I want to live. What makes me happy. What I need to change. And when I feel that it is the time that God wants me to let someone into my heart again, I will (hopefully) allow that to happen. For the time being, I'm going to enjoy feeling strong and finding happiness within myself. It is a nice change....
It scares me a little. Many years ago... A (going to call the "ex" A instead. Seems nicer.) ... Anyway A left to go work in another state. S1 was 2 years old. I cried my eyes out! I didn't know how I would handle life without him. I was scared out of my mind. I felt so alone.
Fast forward 14 years... and after leaving an incredibly stressful marriage over a year ago, I kinda like being alone. Sure, It is much easier to juggle everything when I have someone to help share in the daily duties. At the end of the day though, I like crawling into my own bed, watching what I want on TV, blogging on my computer,and eating a spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate chips.
I know that must sound selfish to some people. For me, It is an accomplishment! I am happy all by my little self!! I don't need someone to fill in the gaps. I don't have to have someone in my life to feel complete. I am getting a "A" in Algebra people!!!!! I am shocked and amazed at myself!
I've already been criticized for being too independent, so anyone thinking along those lines can save it for someone else. I know in my heart that God has wanted me to feel whole and complete for a long time. I spent so much time in survival mode that I forgot how to live. So, For now I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to find out who I am as a person... apart from being a mother and a spouse. Even though I love those roles.... they don't define me as an individual daughter of God.
I'm finding out who I am and how I want to live. What makes me happy. What I need to change. And when I feel that it is the time that God wants me to let someone into my heart again, I will (hopefully) allow that to happen. For the time being, I'm going to enjoy feeling strong and finding happiness within myself. It is a nice change....
Monday, September 26, 2011
How Am I A Threat?
Recently I got a 100% on a PSYCH Test. I was so excited! I felt smart, competent, and empowered. When my professor handed me the test she said, "How did you do it mother of five?" I didn't know what to say. I was thinking to myself, "Don't follow me home.. I have a dirty house and a mountain of laundry!" You have to sacrifice something. I figured cleaning and laundry could slide for a few days.
So, When my A called to ask me how I did. I very excitedly shared my grade. He was happy for me. Said he knew I could do it. But then.... he said, "Just more proof that you don't need me." :( That was a downer. Then it kind of p I had all these thoughts run through my head. So, If I stayed uneducated and helpless financially that makes me somehow more attractive to you. WOW!I don't even think he realized what he said to me, or how it sounded.
When did my education become such a threat to someone else? Why is being able to support my family financially a bad thing? Is it because I'll be independant and that's scary? Or maybe that I can save up and buy my own car or house? I don't want to be a helpless dependant person.
Not knowing what is coming in my future... I can only hope that I find someome who wants an equal partner. I can do a lot myself... mow the lawn, fix my dishwasher, put up curtain rods, change my tire, cook, clean, do freaking Algebra, and I read incredibly fast. But not only that... I have good fashion sense, a kind and loving heart, and a sense of humor. I can cook decent, speak Spanish semi-fluently, do little girls hair, love God, and try to be the best person I can be. In the next few years I hope to be an RN. If knowing I am independent enough to walk away from a relationship if I need to is threatening to your manhood... see ya! There will be another man who finds my strength, confidence, independence, drive, and love the most amazing things he has ever known.
So, If you know of any? Hahaha... Just kidding!
So, When my A called to ask me how I did. I very excitedly shared my grade. He was happy for me. Said he knew I could do it. But then.... he said, "Just more proof that you don't need me." :( That was a downer. Then it kind of p I had all these thoughts run through my head. So, If I stayed uneducated and helpless financially that makes me somehow more attractive to you. WOW!I don't even think he realized what he said to me, or how it sounded.
When did my education become such a threat to someone else? Why is being able to support my family financially a bad thing? Is it because I'll be independant and that's scary? Or maybe that I can save up and buy my own car or house? I don't want to be a helpless dependant person.
Not knowing what is coming in my future... I can only hope that I find someome who wants an equal partner. I can do a lot myself... mow the lawn, fix my dishwasher, put up curtain rods, change my tire, cook, clean, do freaking Algebra, and I read incredibly fast. But not only that... I have good fashion sense, a kind and loving heart, and a sense of humor. I can cook decent, speak Spanish semi-fluently, do little girls hair, love God, and try to be the best person I can be. In the next few years I hope to be an RN. If knowing I am independent enough to walk away from a relationship if I need to is threatening to your manhood... see ya! There will be another man who finds my strength, confidence, independence, drive, and love the most amazing things he has ever known.
So, If you know of any? Hahaha... Just kidding!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Self Worth
I posted this quote on my facebook page today...
"Our choices in life are made according to our sense of our own worth."
It has stuck with me all day. Going over what that means to me and my life. Honestly, I have had many times in my life where I thought I was just crap. My decisions during those times really reflect that.
When I got home from my mission... I was in a really bad place. Things ended badly for me there. It left me feeling very alone, unworthy, and hopeless. Even though what happened to me wasn't my fault. I felt like it was. I felt like I deserved it. So, I returned home a broken hopeless shell. I felt like I had no worth. My choices in the following months reflected that feeling. I slowly let go of all the things I had worked hard for, because I was so desperate for relief from the pain I was in. I ended up pregnant, depressed, sick, and alone. I thought there was no hope for me. I thought I was so vile in the eyes of God. Horrible to feel that way.
The choices I made during that period of my life were made out of desperation and hopelessness. I didn't care about myself at all. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust God. All those choices..... changed the course of my life.
Maybe if I had understood the Atonement better. Or how precious my soul is to our Heavenly Father. I would've made better decisions. With time and experience we grow wiser (hopefully). I'm not such a black and white thinker anymore. Mistakes aren't fatal. I try not to put people on pedestals because they fall off easily. Not everything a Church leader says to me is Gospel Doctrine. Sometimes it is just an opinion of a well-intentioned person trying to do their best.
I hope that people can understand that everyone is worth something and loved in God's eyes. That we all have value. I hope my daughters know how much they are worth to me and to the Lord. I hope that they will live their lives making positive choices for themselves, because they know who they are and what they are worth.
"Our choices in life are made according to our sense of our own worth."
It has stuck with me all day. Going over what that means to me and my life. Honestly, I have had many times in my life where I thought I was just crap. My decisions during those times really reflect that.
When I got home from my mission... I was in a really bad place. Things ended badly for me there. It left me feeling very alone, unworthy, and hopeless. Even though what happened to me wasn't my fault. I felt like it was. I felt like I deserved it. So, I returned home a broken hopeless shell. I felt like I had no worth. My choices in the following months reflected that feeling. I slowly let go of all the things I had worked hard for, because I was so desperate for relief from the pain I was in. I ended up pregnant, depressed, sick, and alone. I thought there was no hope for me. I thought I was so vile in the eyes of God. Horrible to feel that way.
The choices I made during that period of my life were made out of desperation and hopelessness. I didn't care about myself at all. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust God. All those choices..... changed the course of my life.
Maybe if I had understood the Atonement better. Or how precious my soul is to our Heavenly Father. I would've made better decisions. With time and experience we grow wiser (hopefully). I'm not such a black and white thinker anymore. Mistakes aren't fatal. I try not to put people on pedestals because they fall off easily. Not everything a Church leader says to me is Gospel Doctrine. Sometimes it is just an opinion of a well-intentioned person trying to do their best.
I hope that people can understand that everyone is worth something and loved in God's eyes. That we all have value. I hope my daughters know how much they are worth to me and to the Lord. I hope that they will live their lives making positive choices for themselves, because they know who they are and what they are worth.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Quotes
I love quotes. I think we have so much to learn from other people. Everyone's experience is so different. Humans are complex fascinating creatures. So, I thought I would share some of my favorites....
" I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself." Brittany Renee
" Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."
Denis Waitley
" That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that this person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. For one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry, because you feel so lucky that you have found it, and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."
Drew Barrymore
" Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without any makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you how much cares and how lucky he is to have you... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'."
Maya Angelou
" I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself." Brittany Renee
" Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."
Denis Waitley
" That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that this person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. For one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry, because you feel so lucky that you have found it, and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."
Drew Barrymore
" Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without any makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you how much cares and how lucky he is to have you... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'."
Maya Angelou
Friday, September 9, 2011
Surprise! I'm a little bit feminist :)
The word feminism seems to invoke fear in some men and women. It used to scare me too. It would conjure up images of bra burning women holding NOW signs for me. As I have matured (Well, I'm hoping I have.) I view it as something different.
To me, feminism is a woman's right to choose ....who she is and what she wants to do with her life, without the imposed roles that society or religion might try to put on her. I also think this applies to men. So, Maybe I'm more equalitarian. Regardless... Choosing who I want to be and what I want to do with my life should not be threatening to other people. I was a stay-at-home-mom (for the most part... some preschool teaching, and some college classes.) for 16 years. I wanted to be. That was my choice. Sadly, I felt pressure from some extened family to "get a job and contribute." It didn't occur to these people how much daycare costs and how much I would actually make would be a wash. So, I stood my ground. I also had 6 babies in the process. Can you imagine the daycare costs?! Astronomical!!
I also know women who have worked full-time and have a family. They have done a beautiful job with their children, and are perfectly happy with their choices. Yet, They also have felt the pressure from others in their lives to quit their jobs and go home.
It makes me sad and a little angry. Why can't we just let others live by their own conscience? Why do we feel the need to try and decide for others what is best for them? Why do we think we know everything about a person's life when we are only privy to snippets? Why can't we all just get along?! Lol!
This is the first year all of my kids are in school full-time. FREEDOM!!!! Ha! Not really. I can already hear some of our extended family screaming.... GO GET A JOB! Sorry.... I'm going to school instead. I know, complete and utter waste of time when I could be out in this fabulous economy making some cold hard cash. Do they know what my schedule is like most days? No... CLUELESS!! I'll give you a snippet of a typical day... just for fun!
5:40 Up and at 'em!!! Take S1 to seminary.
6:00 Shower, eat breakfast by myself :), get ready.
7:00 Get up the rest of the troops. Make their breakfast. Get them ready.
7:45 Drop them off at school.
8:15 Head home, start laundry, do dishes, clean
9:00 Leave for class.
9:30 Intro to Psych
11:00 Head back home
11:30 Do more laundry, eat lunch, clean, study, do homework, mow lawn, run errands, workout if I have time.
3:00 Go pick up the kids from school
3:30 Help them with their homework, catch up on their day.
4:00 Start dinner, yes this early because we have soccer from 5-7:30 on two different sides of town at the same time.
4:30 Eat dinner
4:50 Go to soccer practice.. do homework or study during their practice
7:30 home again, showers, do more laundry, clean up again.
8:30 kids bedtime that streches into 9:00 because they are little turkeys!
9:00 Finish folding and putting away clothes. Maybe study more. Chat with the teenagers. Help them with homework if they had a game & got home late.
10:00 ZONE OUT! Read, watch some TV, get on FB, scrounge some chocolate, read my scriptures, write in my journal.
11:00 Down for the count...
That is pretty much my usual day. I suppose I could squeeze in a few hours at a job between class & picking the kids up from school. Or maybe get a night job as someone suggested to me.... home just in time to get them up for school, go to my classes, do homework, laundry, clean, maybe sleep for an hour or so pick them up again, take them to soccer, and go back to work. And that is if I could even find a job in this town of 12% unemployment.
I'm not complaining. I like my life. I have great kids. I love going to school again. I'm looking forward to the day when my schooling is done, and I can find a good well-paying job with benefits. I'm excited to use my skills and life experiences to help and bless the people in my community as well as my family. To create the life I want to live is a priviledge because of where I was born. I know that. I know some people, especially women, in the world have no choices about their futures. It's decided for them by their society and/or religion. I know that God wants me to be educated, happy, fullfilled, and a complete person. I think He expects it. I understand now that I have to take care of myself also. I can't deplete every resource inside of me trying to make others happy. One, It stripped me of my identity. Two, It's impossible to please everyone.
So, In the face of critcism, judgements, and shame I say.... SUCK IT!!
Now... Off to burn my bra! (But not the Vicoria's Secret ones bacause they were expensive and they're pretty.) ;)
To me, feminism is a woman's right to choose ....who she is and what she wants to do with her life, without the imposed roles that society or religion might try to put on her. I also think this applies to men. So, Maybe I'm more equalitarian. Regardless... Choosing who I want to be and what I want to do with my life should not be threatening to other people. I was a stay-at-home-mom (for the most part... some preschool teaching, and some college classes.) for 16 years. I wanted to be. That was my choice. Sadly, I felt pressure from some extened family to "get a job and contribute." It didn't occur to these people how much daycare costs and how much I would actually make would be a wash. So, I stood my ground. I also had 6 babies in the process. Can you imagine the daycare costs?! Astronomical!!
I also know women who have worked full-time and have a family. They have done a beautiful job with their children, and are perfectly happy with their choices. Yet, They also have felt the pressure from others in their lives to quit their jobs and go home.
It makes me sad and a little angry. Why can't we just let others live by their own conscience? Why do we feel the need to try and decide for others what is best for them? Why do we think we know everything about a person's life when we are only privy to snippets? Why can't we all just get along?! Lol!
This is the first year all of my kids are in school full-time. FREEDOM!!!! Ha! Not really. I can already hear some of our extended family screaming.... GO GET A JOB! Sorry.... I'm going to school instead. I know, complete and utter waste of time when I could be out in this fabulous economy making some cold hard cash. Do they know what my schedule is like most days? No... CLUELESS!! I'll give you a snippet of a typical day... just for fun!
5:40 Up and at 'em!!! Take S1 to seminary.
6:00 Shower, eat breakfast by myself :), get ready.
7:00 Get up the rest of the troops. Make their breakfast. Get them ready.
7:45 Drop them off at school.
8:15 Head home, start laundry, do dishes, clean
9:00 Leave for class.
9:30 Intro to Psych
11:00 Head back home
11:30 Do more laundry, eat lunch, clean, study, do homework, mow lawn, run errands, workout if I have time.
3:00 Go pick up the kids from school
3:30 Help them with their homework, catch up on their day.
4:00 Start dinner, yes this early because we have soccer from 5-7:30 on two different sides of town at the same time.
4:30 Eat dinner
4:50 Go to soccer practice.. do homework or study during their practice
7:30 home again, showers, do more laundry, clean up again.
8:30 kids bedtime that streches into 9:00 because they are little turkeys!
9:00 Finish folding and putting away clothes. Maybe study more. Chat with the teenagers. Help them with homework if they had a game & got home late.
10:00 ZONE OUT! Read, watch some TV, get on FB, scrounge some chocolate, read my scriptures, write in my journal.
11:00 Down for the count...
That is pretty much my usual day. I suppose I could squeeze in a few hours at a job between class & picking the kids up from school. Or maybe get a night job as someone suggested to me.... home just in time to get them up for school, go to my classes, do homework, laundry, clean, maybe sleep for an hour or so pick them up again, take them to soccer, and go back to work. And that is if I could even find a job in this town of 12% unemployment.
I'm not complaining. I like my life. I have great kids. I love going to school again. I'm looking forward to the day when my schooling is done, and I can find a good well-paying job with benefits. I'm excited to use my skills and life experiences to help and bless the people in my community as well as my family. To create the life I want to live is a priviledge because of where I was born. I know that. I know some people, especially women, in the world have no choices about their futures. It's decided for them by their society and/or religion. I know that God wants me to be educated, happy, fullfilled, and a complete person. I think He expects it. I understand now that I have to take care of myself also. I can't deplete every resource inside of me trying to make others happy. One, It stripped me of my identity. Two, It's impossible to please everyone.
So, In the face of critcism, judgements, and shame I say.... SUCK IT!!
Now... Off to burn my bra! (But not the Vicoria's Secret ones bacause they were expensive and they're pretty.) ;)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Love/Compassion/Forgiveness
I struggle with these three words. My "ex" and I fought about this alot. I have always loved him. I'm sure part of me always will. I feel compassion for him and his struggles. I really do. I want him to be happy. I forgive him for all the crappy stuff he said and did to me. I know that because I'm not angry at him anymore. Believe me when I say I was angry! I was spitting nails angry, don't touch me angry, if I don't get away from you I'm going to explode angry. Over the past year I was able, somehow, to just stop being angry.
What is so perplexing to him is why I don't love love him now. My only explanation is that... in trying to protect my self from what felt like his emotional assaults on my spirit, I stopped loving him as my husband. I had to take back my power, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had to stop being vulnerable to him.I was a love hemophiliac.... hemorrhaging all over the place. Trying to find something to stop the bleeding, but was always looking in the wrong place. Then one day it clicked. I could stop the bleeding. I shut it off.
That's when this crazy thing happened. Me! This happy, excited, fun, determined woman. And I love her! She is amazing!!
So, Why don't,can't won't I love him like a husband. I guess it would feel like I'm going backwards. Making myself vulnerable and open to him does not feel safe to me. Yes, I know people can change, I've seen it, I've lived it. It can happen. Does that mean God expects us to just let them back in without question? I don't think so. Does that erase the consequences of past behavior? I don't think so either. Can you start in a new place and move forward... maybe.. but without expectations.
I love him, have compassion for him, and forgive him because he is a human being, a son of God, the father of my children. I can't/won't get any further than that. It's too big of a risk for my newly healed heart to take.
What is so perplexing to him is why I don't love love him now. My only explanation is that... in trying to protect my self from what felt like his emotional assaults on my spirit, I stopped loving him as my husband. I had to take back my power, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had to stop being vulnerable to him.I was a love hemophiliac.... hemorrhaging all over the place. Trying to find something to stop the bleeding, but was always looking in the wrong place. Then one day it clicked. I could stop the bleeding. I shut it off.
That's when this crazy thing happened. Me! This happy, excited, fun, determined woman. And I love her! She is amazing!!
So, Why don't,can't won't I love him like a husband. I guess it would feel like I'm going backwards. Making myself vulnerable and open to him does not feel safe to me. Yes, I know people can change, I've seen it, I've lived it. It can happen. Does that mean God expects us to just let them back in without question? I don't think so. Does that erase the consequences of past behavior? I don't think so either. Can you start in a new place and move forward... maybe.. but without expectations.
I love him, have compassion for him, and forgive him because he is a human being, a son of God, the father of my children. I can't/won't get any further than that. It's too big of a risk for my newly healed heart to take.
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