Breathe.............

I have been super stressing the last few days. For a lot of reasons, but one main one imparticular. The girls Dad/my husband is coming to visit for almost 2 weeks (gulp). We've been separated for about 11 months now. He has come two other times to visit them here. The Christmas visit was especially hard on me. So, I'm very apprehensive.

I'm trying to be a good parent and person. We are working on being friends right now. That was something lacking in our marriage. For most of our marriage I wasn't even sure if he liked me, and would ask him quite frequently if he did. His standard response was... "I wouldn't be here if I didn't." Not the loving reassurance I was longing for, but I imagined it was the best he could do.

What makes me anxious is his confrontational spirit. He flies off the handle first, calms down, apologizes, and then can start a rational conversation. The problem is... I don't respond well to the lashing out, and shut down. When I am around him, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. All the time. Him and I disagree on the reasons for my feeling this way, but it doesn't change the fact that I do. So, I'm trying to prepare myself for the visit. Wendy (the therapist) and I talked about setting boundaries before he comes. Like... not sleeping in the same room, making sure I have some time away from him to myself, not discussing important issues infront of the girls, etc.

He is a good person at heart. I know that. He has made some strides to better himself. Is sorry for the way he treated me before our marriage and throughout it. I take responsibility for my own actions also. I didn't communicate my feelings very well. I internalized almost everything. I was truly trying to be obedient to Heavenly Father, have patience with the man I married, and try to do the best I could with the choices I had made. The problem was... I woke up one day and had had enough. I was tired of feeling inadequate and small. I won't get into specifics, but someone close to me advised me to get him into therapy. I consulted my therapist and my Bishop. They both felt that he did need some help.

The whole situation is complex, and involves much more than I have time to blog about. When people hear the watered-down version of our marriage, I often am advised to give the guy another chance. I try to be patient and kindly tell them that they don't have all the information, that saying that isn't helpful. I can't tell you the hours I have prayed, pleaded, begged, hoped, cried, and dreamed of something better. Sometimes the hurt is so painful, the scars so deep, that you can forgive but you have to let go.

I pray for him, I pray for our girls, I pray for myself. Something is not good or right when the person you are supposed to love sends you into a panic attack just being in their presence. It's wrong to feel like you can't breathe and want to throw up. At the same time, I'm strangled by the guilt of ending our marriage, and changing the girls lives forever. We're not sealed in the Temple, and that makes things more and less complicated. By ending the marriage... the girls will not be sealed to their father and me. On the other side, I am free to marry someone else for eternity without a cancellation of sealing through the Church. (Chances are I will be a 2nd wife to someone already sealed, and I will have issues with that too... ugh!That is for another post.)

Anyway.... Off I go into the dark abyss of uncertainty that I've become accostumed to. I really am trying to be forgiving and fair. It just seems like no matter how hard I try it isn't good enough though.

Dang Computer!!!

I'm in blogging withdrawl! My decrepit laptop is on its way out. I hate blogging from my phone. I'm hiding in my parent's house blogging from their computer.

Since I last blogged things have been insane. The troops are out of school!!! Which I love and not-love. I don't have to be up at 5:50 to take S1 to seminary, and haul everyone else to school by 8-something. On the other hand I get almost no time to myself, or a nice block of time to clean without interruption. They are so much fun though when they aren't trying to kill each other. Things will really change this Fall. I will have all 5 in school including myself.

An update on S1... She broke her arm!!!! This is her fourth broken bone in her short 15 years. Of course she broke it playing soccer. She looks ridiculous in a sling and a heart monitor. Speaking of heart, we are going back to the cardiologist in July. Doing the cardiac MRI and possibly an EP Study. She got her new heart monitor in the mail yesterday. It's pretty sweet. It's like a cell phone. It keeps track of her rhythms 24 hours a day. If she experiences symptoms, she punches them in like a text message and sends them. If S1 shows something abnormal the cardiologist is immediately notified and shown the abnormality. Technology is amazing.

I'm trying to keep the summer sort of structured for the kids. We made chore charts with cards they decorated themselves. We have a baking day (S2's fave), an activity day,craft day, and garage sale-ing day. Every Monday I take one daughter to lunch to get a little "alone with Mom time". I know I sound pretty organized, but don't be fooled. It's day to day, and I'm not anal about it. But, It helps keep a flow going, boredom at bay, and my house from exploding into total choas.

So, I got to go to my therapist after almost two months of scheduling and rescheduling appts. Yes, I see one. I'm not ashamed. Her name is Wendy. She is like the friend who listens to all my problems, but can't tell me to quit whining because I'm paying her. She's really great. I went in this week totally focused on something... resolved... set, and she totally flipped it around on me. Made me see it in a completely different way. Turns out I'm just a big fat chicken who avoids conflict at all costs. I knew that, but I'm paying her to actually say it outloud so I can't deny it. Even though I came away from the session a little confused.. I still felt relief. I realized how I really do look at the world through my own skewed perspective of personal experiences and thoughts. It is quite shocking to have your eyes opened sometimes! New and different perspectives are always good to consider. So, I'm going to chew on that for awhile....

Official Report on S1

The bottom line is................ THEY AREN'T SURE! So frustrating. But.... her stress test came out clean. So she can still play soccer (yay!). The ECHO showed only a slight leak in the Mitral Valve. That is hereditary in my fam. I have it too, so not a big deal. She cracked her sternum a few years ago chesting balls during soccer practice, so the doc is also going to look at that MRI. She wants to see if something is irritating S1's heart because of that. So, S1  has to pay attention to her body, and wear a helmet (haha!jk! Inside joke) event monitor for 30 days. S1 is also the queen of knocking herself out, and getting concussions. So, We tease her about having to wear a helmet just to walk around the house. Anyway, After all the tests and discussions with the cardiologist we deicded to get lunch.

Since there is no In-n-Out Burger here. :( We have to "settle" for Five Guys. Still yummy tho. Then we walked around downtown for a little bit. Lots of quirky hippie shops in this area. The smell of inscense lingering in the air. The pet dog walking around the store. They are so fun! I came close to buying a Grateful Dead shirt. S1 found a cute dress to wear to some graduation parties this weekend. We picked out some fun hemp bracelets and necklaces. I got to explain to S1 what "bongs" are. The bumper stickers on the wall were hilarious! The best one was.... "Sorry I haven't been at church much. I've been too busy becoming a lesbian and practicing witchcraft." I wanted to buy it just for shock value. I think it would be funny to pull into the Church parking lot on Sunday with that on my car. (To be PC.... I don't care who someone loves, or if they believe in God or not. Not my biz.) After the stress of the morning, it was nice to have some fun mother/daughter time together. Hopefully, the good news from the tests is the beginning of a good fun summer for all of us!

Duck and Cover

Since I have 5 daughters, and they all start with S... the family joke is to refer to them as S1,S2,S3,S4, and S5. So, That is how I will refer to the here to protect their identities.

So.... S1, who is 15, has been having health problems for almost 2 years. Lots of tests, doctors appointments, specialists. As soon as we get one thing kind of figured out another thing pops up. About 2 weeks ago she had a heart monitor on her for a 24 hour period. She had had some episodes of fainting and dizziness. Her Dad really pushed me to get her into the doctor about that, and I'm glad he did. I got a call from the pediatric cardiologist last night that she might have Ventricular Tachycardia. Which is the condition you might hear about when an athlete suddenly drops dead on the field or court for no apparent reason. Their tachycardia went into fibrillation, and they died. So, I'm grateful we caught it before S1 died running around on the soccer field. I'm really sad for my daughter though. I had a strong feeling when she was born that she was different. She had and still has this pureness and kindness about her, even with the teenage sarcasm and growing pains. I don't know why she is having these trials. It seems so unfair, but I have to believe God has a plan for her. I can't help but feel a little angry though. I already buried my son, and I don't know if my family could withstand another loss like that. I am praying for her in my heart.... for strength, health, courage, and love to withstand these trials. I'm praying for her sisters to be able to support her and each other through this. I pray for my husband... even though things are strained between us. I feel like we have been trying to duck and cover through this little war have going on in our lives right now.

Starting Over

I'm on the cusp of a new era. I've been separated a little under a year (ouch). I'm about to turn the big 4-0 (gulp). I'm heading back to school to do something I love (yay me!). And every single bit of this scares the hell out of me. 


This was not the life I had imagined for myself. Who really gets that life though!? I made lots of good decisions, and lots of bad decisions. My best decisions were choosing to be baptized LDS at age 16, moving far away from home at 17,making some fabulous friends I love dearly, serving a mission in Argentina, and my 5 amazing and beautiful daughters, and one heavenly son. My bad decisions.... hhmmm.... serving my mission (that one is complicated), rushing into marriage(ditto), not getting my degree(duh!). 


About 10 months ago my girls and I moved in with my parents in the midwest. My parents are in their early 70's. Being so close to them has been a real blessing for me. I'm so glad that they have been able to get to know my children. I was worried my girls wouldn't get to know my parents like I wanted them too.The girls and I clean their house, mow their lawn, and help out anyway that we can.... and my parents love me and the girls to death. They help bus my kids around, are often last minute baby-sitters, and do all kinds of little things that make my life easier. It's a win-win.


I know you're wondering what is up with the marriage.... things are hard. Lots of mistakes on both parts. I know this sounds cliche, but I really did lose myself. I wasn't me anymore. I was miserable and depressed, and I think he was too. We had made plans to move in with my parents before the separation, and I hadn't planned on getting a divorce from the get-go. Even though it seems that way from the outside. He planned to come out last Fall, but unforeseen circumstances arose, and he took a job in another state. So, We are muddling through the murky waters of separation and divorce. I've prayed a lot, got a few Priesthood Blessings, got a therapist, and lean on my close friends for support. This starting over stuff is scary....