Breathe.............

I have been super stressing the last few days. For a lot of reasons, but one main one imparticular. The girls Dad/my husband is coming to visit for almost 2 weeks (gulp). We've been separated for about 11 months now. He has come two other times to visit them here. The Christmas visit was especially hard on me. So, I'm very apprehensive.

I'm trying to be a good parent and person. We are working on being friends right now. That was something lacking in our marriage. For most of our marriage I wasn't even sure if he liked me, and would ask him quite frequently if he did. His standard response was... "I wouldn't be here if I didn't." Not the loving reassurance I was longing for, but I imagined it was the best he could do.

What makes me anxious is his confrontational spirit. He flies off the handle first, calms down, apologizes, and then can start a rational conversation. The problem is... I don't respond well to the lashing out, and shut down. When I am around him, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. All the time. Him and I disagree on the reasons for my feeling this way, but it doesn't change the fact that I do. So, I'm trying to prepare myself for the visit. Wendy (the therapist) and I talked about setting boundaries before he comes. Like... not sleeping in the same room, making sure I have some time away from him to myself, not discussing important issues infront of the girls, etc.

He is a good person at heart. I know that. He has made some strides to better himself. Is sorry for the way he treated me before our marriage and throughout it. I take responsibility for my own actions also. I didn't communicate my feelings very well. I internalized almost everything. I was truly trying to be obedient to Heavenly Father, have patience with the man I married, and try to do the best I could with the choices I had made. The problem was... I woke up one day and had had enough. I was tired of feeling inadequate and small. I won't get into specifics, but someone close to me advised me to get him into therapy. I consulted my therapist and my Bishop. They both felt that he did need some help.

The whole situation is complex, and involves much more than I have time to blog about. When people hear the watered-down version of our marriage, I often am advised to give the guy another chance. I try to be patient and kindly tell them that they don't have all the information, that saying that isn't helpful. I can't tell you the hours I have prayed, pleaded, begged, hoped, cried, and dreamed of something better. Sometimes the hurt is so painful, the scars so deep, that you can forgive but you have to let go.

I pray for him, I pray for our girls, I pray for myself. Something is not good or right when the person you are supposed to love sends you into a panic attack just being in their presence. It's wrong to feel like you can't breathe and want to throw up. At the same time, I'm strangled by the guilt of ending our marriage, and changing the girls lives forever. We're not sealed in the Temple, and that makes things more and less complicated. By ending the marriage... the girls will not be sealed to their father and me. On the other side, I am free to marry someone else for eternity without a cancellation of sealing through the Church. (Chances are I will be a 2nd wife to someone already sealed, and I will have issues with that too... ugh!That is for another post.)

Anyway.... Off I go into the dark abyss of uncertainty that I've become accostumed to. I really am trying to be forgiving and fair. It just seems like no matter how hard I try it isn't good enough though.