I'm moving into new emotional territory for me. I like being alone. (GASP!)
It scares me a little. Many years ago... A (going to call the "ex" A instead. Seems nicer.) ... Anyway A left to go work in another state. S1 was 2 years old. I cried my eyes out! I didn't know how I would handle life without him. I was scared out of my mind. I felt so alone.
Fast forward 14 years... and after leaving an incredibly stressful marriage over a year ago, I kinda like being alone. Sure, It is much easier to juggle everything when I have someone to help share in the daily duties. At the end of the day though, I like crawling into my own bed, watching what I want on TV, blogging on my computer,and eating a spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate chips.
I know that must sound selfish to some people. For me, It is an accomplishment! I am happy all by my little self!! I don't need someone to fill in the gaps. I don't have to have someone in my life to feel complete. I am getting a "A" in Algebra people!!!!! I am shocked and amazed at myself!
I've already been criticized for being too independent, so anyone thinking along those lines can save it for someone else. I know in my heart that God has wanted me to feel whole and complete for a long time. I spent so much time in survival mode that I forgot how to live. So, For now I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to find out who I am as a person... apart from being a mother and a spouse. Even though I love those roles.... they don't define me as an individual daughter of God.
I'm finding out who I am and how I want to live. What makes me happy. What I need to change. And when I feel that it is the time that God wants me to let someone into my heart again, I will (hopefully) allow that to happen. For the time being, I'm going to enjoy feeling strong and finding happiness within myself. It is a nice change....
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
How Am I A Threat?
Recently I got a 100% on a PSYCH Test. I was so excited! I felt smart, competent, and empowered. When my professor handed me the test she said, "How did you do it mother of five?" I didn't know what to say. I was thinking to myself, "Don't follow me home.. I have a dirty house and a mountain of laundry!" You have to sacrifice something. I figured cleaning and laundry could slide for a few days.
So, When my A called to ask me how I did. I very excitedly shared my grade. He was happy for me. Said he knew I could do it. But then.... he said, "Just more proof that you don't need me." :( That was a downer. Then it kind of p I had all these thoughts run through my head. So, If I stayed uneducated and helpless financially that makes me somehow more attractive to you. WOW!I don't even think he realized what he said to me, or how it sounded.
When did my education become such a threat to someone else? Why is being able to support my family financially a bad thing? Is it because I'll be independant and that's scary? Or maybe that I can save up and buy my own car or house? I don't want to be a helpless dependant person.
Not knowing what is coming in my future... I can only hope that I find someome who wants an equal partner. I can do a lot myself... mow the lawn, fix my dishwasher, put up curtain rods, change my tire, cook, clean, do freaking Algebra, and I read incredibly fast. But not only that... I have good fashion sense, a kind and loving heart, and a sense of humor. I can cook decent, speak Spanish semi-fluently, do little girls hair, love God, and try to be the best person I can be. In the next few years I hope to be an RN. If knowing I am independent enough to walk away from a relationship if I need to is threatening to your manhood... see ya! There will be another man who finds my strength, confidence, independence, drive, and love the most amazing things he has ever known.
So, If you know of any? Hahaha... Just kidding!
So, When my A called to ask me how I did. I very excitedly shared my grade. He was happy for me. Said he knew I could do it. But then.... he said, "Just more proof that you don't need me." :( That was a downer. Then it kind of p I had all these thoughts run through my head. So, If I stayed uneducated and helpless financially that makes me somehow more attractive to you. WOW!I don't even think he realized what he said to me, or how it sounded.
When did my education become such a threat to someone else? Why is being able to support my family financially a bad thing? Is it because I'll be independant and that's scary? Or maybe that I can save up and buy my own car or house? I don't want to be a helpless dependant person.
Not knowing what is coming in my future... I can only hope that I find someome who wants an equal partner. I can do a lot myself... mow the lawn, fix my dishwasher, put up curtain rods, change my tire, cook, clean, do freaking Algebra, and I read incredibly fast. But not only that... I have good fashion sense, a kind and loving heart, and a sense of humor. I can cook decent, speak Spanish semi-fluently, do little girls hair, love God, and try to be the best person I can be. In the next few years I hope to be an RN. If knowing I am independent enough to walk away from a relationship if I need to is threatening to your manhood... see ya! There will be another man who finds my strength, confidence, independence, drive, and love the most amazing things he has ever known.
So, If you know of any? Hahaha... Just kidding!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Self Worth
I posted this quote on my facebook page today...
"Our choices in life are made according to our sense of our own worth."
It has stuck with me all day. Going over what that means to me and my life. Honestly, I have had many times in my life where I thought I was just crap. My decisions during those times really reflect that.
When I got home from my mission... I was in a really bad place. Things ended badly for me there. It left me feeling very alone, unworthy, and hopeless. Even though what happened to me wasn't my fault. I felt like it was. I felt like I deserved it. So, I returned home a broken hopeless shell. I felt like I had no worth. My choices in the following months reflected that feeling. I slowly let go of all the things I had worked hard for, because I was so desperate for relief from the pain I was in. I ended up pregnant, depressed, sick, and alone. I thought there was no hope for me. I thought I was so vile in the eyes of God. Horrible to feel that way.
The choices I made during that period of my life were made out of desperation and hopelessness. I didn't care about myself at all. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust God. All those choices..... changed the course of my life.
Maybe if I had understood the Atonement better. Or how precious my soul is to our Heavenly Father. I would've made better decisions. With time and experience we grow wiser (hopefully). I'm not such a black and white thinker anymore. Mistakes aren't fatal. I try not to put people on pedestals because they fall off easily. Not everything a Church leader says to me is Gospel Doctrine. Sometimes it is just an opinion of a well-intentioned person trying to do their best.
I hope that people can understand that everyone is worth something and loved in God's eyes. That we all have value. I hope my daughters know how much they are worth to me and to the Lord. I hope that they will live their lives making positive choices for themselves, because they know who they are and what they are worth.
"Our choices in life are made according to our sense of our own worth."
It has stuck with me all day. Going over what that means to me and my life. Honestly, I have had many times in my life where I thought I was just crap. My decisions during those times really reflect that.
When I got home from my mission... I was in a really bad place. Things ended badly for me there. It left me feeling very alone, unworthy, and hopeless. Even though what happened to me wasn't my fault. I felt like it was. I felt like I deserved it. So, I returned home a broken hopeless shell. I felt like I had no worth. My choices in the following months reflected that feeling. I slowly let go of all the things I had worked hard for, because I was so desperate for relief from the pain I was in. I ended up pregnant, depressed, sick, and alone. I thought there was no hope for me. I thought I was so vile in the eyes of God. Horrible to feel that way.
The choices I made during that period of my life were made out of desperation and hopelessness. I didn't care about myself at all. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust God. All those choices..... changed the course of my life.
Maybe if I had understood the Atonement better. Or how precious my soul is to our Heavenly Father. I would've made better decisions. With time and experience we grow wiser (hopefully). I'm not such a black and white thinker anymore. Mistakes aren't fatal. I try not to put people on pedestals because they fall off easily. Not everything a Church leader says to me is Gospel Doctrine. Sometimes it is just an opinion of a well-intentioned person trying to do their best.
I hope that people can understand that everyone is worth something and loved in God's eyes. That we all have value. I hope my daughters know how much they are worth to me and to the Lord. I hope that they will live their lives making positive choices for themselves, because they know who they are and what they are worth.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Quotes
I love quotes. I think we have so much to learn from other people. Everyone's experience is so different. Humans are complex fascinating creatures. So, I thought I would share some of my favorites....
" I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself." Brittany Renee
" Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."
Denis Waitley
" That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that this person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. For one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry, because you feel so lucky that you have found it, and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."
Drew Barrymore
" Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without any makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you how much cares and how lucky he is to have you... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'."
Maya Angelou
" I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself." Brittany Renee
" Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."
Denis Waitley
" That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that this person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. For one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry, because you feel so lucky that you have found it, and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."
Drew Barrymore
" Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without any makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you how much cares and how lucky he is to have you... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'."
Maya Angelou
Friday, September 9, 2011
Surprise! I'm a little bit feminist :)
The word feminism seems to invoke fear in some men and women. It used to scare me too. It would conjure up images of bra burning women holding NOW signs for me. As I have matured (Well, I'm hoping I have.) I view it as something different.
To me, feminism is a woman's right to choose ....who she is and what she wants to do with her life, without the imposed roles that society or religion might try to put on her. I also think this applies to men. So, Maybe I'm more equalitarian. Regardless... Choosing who I want to be and what I want to do with my life should not be threatening to other people. I was a stay-at-home-mom (for the most part... some preschool teaching, and some college classes.) for 16 years. I wanted to be. That was my choice. Sadly, I felt pressure from some extened family to "get a job and contribute." It didn't occur to these people how much daycare costs and how much I would actually make would be a wash. So, I stood my ground. I also had 6 babies in the process. Can you imagine the daycare costs?! Astronomical!!
I also know women who have worked full-time and have a family. They have done a beautiful job with their children, and are perfectly happy with their choices. Yet, They also have felt the pressure from others in their lives to quit their jobs and go home.
It makes me sad and a little angry. Why can't we just let others live by their own conscience? Why do we feel the need to try and decide for others what is best for them? Why do we think we know everything about a person's life when we are only privy to snippets? Why can't we all just get along?! Lol!
This is the first year all of my kids are in school full-time. FREEDOM!!!! Ha! Not really. I can already hear some of our extended family screaming.... GO GET A JOB! Sorry.... I'm going to school instead. I know, complete and utter waste of time when I could be out in this fabulous economy making some cold hard cash. Do they know what my schedule is like most days? No... CLUELESS!! I'll give you a snippet of a typical day... just for fun!
5:40 Up and at 'em!!! Take S1 to seminary.
6:00 Shower, eat breakfast by myself :), get ready.
7:00 Get up the rest of the troops. Make their breakfast. Get them ready.
7:45 Drop them off at school.
8:15 Head home, start laundry, do dishes, clean
9:00 Leave for class.
9:30 Intro to Psych
11:00 Head back home
11:30 Do more laundry, eat lunch, clean, study, do homework, mow lawn, run errands, workout if I have time.
3:00 Go pick up the kids from school
3:30 Help them with their homework, catch up on their day.
4:00 Start dinner, yes this early because we have soccer from 5-7:30 on two different sides of town at the same time.
4:30 Eat dinner
4:50 Go to soccer practice.. do homework or study during their practice
7:30 home again, showers, do more laundry, clean up again.
8:30 kids bedtime that streches into 9:00 because they are little turkeys!
9:00 Finish folding and putting away clothes. Maybe study more. Chat with the teenagers. Help them with homework if they had a game & got home late.
10:00 ZONE OUT! Read, watch some TV, get on FB, scrounge some chocolate, read my scriptures, write in my journal.
11:00 Down for the count...
That is pretty much my usual day. I suppose I could squeeze in a few hours at a job between class & picking the kids up from school. Or maybe get a night job as someone suggested to me.... home just in time to get them up for school, go to my classes, do homework, laundry, clean, maybe sleep for an hour or so pick them up again, take them to soccer, and go back to work. And that is if I could even find a job in this town of 12% unemployment.
I'm not complaining. I like my life. I have great kids. I love going to school again. I'm looking forward to the day when my schooling is done, and I can find a good well-paying job with benefits. I'm excited to use my skills and life experiences to help and bless the people in my community as well as my family. To create the life I want to live is a priviledge because of where I was born. I know that. I know some people, especially women, in the world have no choices about their futures. It's decided for them by their society and/or religion. I know that God wants me to be educated, happy, fullfilled, and a complete person. I think He expects it. I understand now that I have to take care of myself also. I can't deplete every resource inside of me trying to make others happy. One, It stripped me of my identity. Two, It's impossible to please everyone.
So, In the face of critcism, judgements, and shame I say.... SUCK IT!!
Now... Off to burn my bra! (But not the Vicoria's Secret ones bacause they were expensive and they're pretty.) ;)
To me, feminism is a woman's right to choose ....who she is and what she wants to do with her life, without the imposed roles that society or religion might try to put on her. I also think this applies to men. So, Maybe I'm more equalitarian. Regardless... Choosing who I want to be and what I want to do with my life should not be threatening to other people. I was a stay-at-home-mom (for the most part... some preschool teaching, and some college classes.) for 16 years. I wanted to be. That was my choice. Sadly, I felt pressure from some extened family to "get a job and contribute." It didn't occur to these people how much daycare costs and how much I would actually make would be a wash. So, I stood my ground. I also had 6 babies in the process. Can you imagine the daycare costs?! Astronomical!!
I also know women who have worked full-time and have a family. They have done a beautiful job with their children, and are perfectly happy with their choices. Yet, They also have felt the pressure from others in their lives to quit their jobs and go home.
It makes me sad and a little angry. Why can't we just let others live by their own conscience? Why do we feel the need to try and decide for others what is best for them? Why do we think we know everything about a person's life when we are only privy to snippets? Why can't we all just get along?! Lol!
This is the first year all of my kids are in school full-time. FREEDOM!!!! Ha! Not really. I can already hear some of our extended family screaming.... GO GET A JOB! Sorry.... I'm going to school instead. I know, complete and utter waste of time when I could be out in this fabulous economy making some cold hard cash. Do they know what my schedule is like most days? No... CLUELESS!! I'll give you a snippet of a typical day... just for fun!
5:40 Up and at 'em!!! Take S1 to seminary.
6:00 Shower, eat breakfast by myself :), get ready.
7:00 Get up the rest of the troops. Make their breakfast. Get them ready.
7:45 Drop them off at school.
8:15 Head home, start laundry, do dishes, clean
9:00 Leave for class.
9:30 Intro to Psych
11:00 Head back home
11:30 Do more laundry, eat lunch, clean, study, do homework, mow lawn, run errands, workout if I have time.
3:00 Go pick up the kids from school
3:30 Help them with their homework, catch up on their day.
4:00 Start dinner, yes this early because we have soccer from 5-7:30 on two different sides of town at the same time.
4:30 Eat dinner
4:50 Go to soccer practice.. do homework or study during their practice
7:30 home again, showers, do more laundry, clean up again.
8:30 kids bedtime that streches into 9:00 because they are little turkeys!
9:00 Finish folding and putting away clothes. Maybe study more. Chat with the teenagers. Help them with homework if they had a game & got home late.
10:00 ZONE OUT! Read, watch some TV, get on FB, scrounge some chocolate, read my scriptures, write in my journal.
11:00 Down for the count...
That is pretty much my usual day. I suppose I could squeeze in a few hours at a job between class & picking the kids up from school. Or maybe get a night job as someone suggested to me.... home just in time to get them up for school, go to my classes, do homework, laundry, clean, maybe sleep for an hour or so pick them up again, take them to soccer, and go back to work. And that is if I could even find a job in this town of 12% unemployment.
I'm not complaining. I like my life. I have great kids. I love going to school again. I'm looking forward to the day when my schooling is done, and I can find a good well-paying job with benefits. I'm excited to use my skills and life experiences to help and bless the people in my community as well as my family. To create the life I want to live is a priviledge because of where I was born. I know that. I know some people, especially women, in the world have no choices about their futures. It's decided for them by their society and/or religion. I know that God wants me to be educated, happy, fullfilled, and a complete person. I think He expects it. I understand now that I have to take care of myself also. I can't deplete every resource inside of me trying to make others happy. One, It stripped me of my identity. Two, It's impossible to please everyone.
So, In the face of critcism, judgements, and shame I say.... SUCK IT!!
Now... Off to burn my bra! (But not the Vicoria's Secret ones bacause they were expensive and they're pretty.) ;)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Love/Compassion/Forgiveness
I struggle with these three words. My "ex" and I fought about this alot. I have always loved him. I'm sure part of me always will. I feel compassion for him and his struggles. I really do. I want him to be happy. I forgive him for all the crappy stuff he said and did to me. I know that because I'm not angry at him anymore. Believe me when I say I was angry! I was spitting nails angry, don't touch me angry, if I don't get away from you I'm going to explode angry. Over the past year I was able, somehow, to just stop being angry.
What is so perplexing to him is why I don't love love him now. My only explanation is that... in trying to protect my self from what felt like his emotional assaults on my spirit, I stopped loving him as my husband. I had to take back my power, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had to stop being vulnerable to him.I was a love hemophiliac.... hemorrhaging all over the place. Trying to find something to stop the bleeding, but was always looking in the wrong place. Then one day it clicked. I could stop the bleeding. I shut it off.
That's when this crazy thing happened. Me! This happy, excited, fun, determined woman. And I love her! She is amazing!!
So, Why don't,can't won't I love him like a husband. I guess it would feel like I'm going backwards. Making myself vulnerable and open to him does not feel safe to me. Yes, I know people can change, I've seen it, I've lived it. It can happen. Does that mean God expects us to just let them back in without question? I don't think so. Does that erase the consequences of past behavior? I don't think so either. Can you start in a new place and move forward... maybe.. but without expectations.
I love him, have compassion for him, and forgive him because he is a human being, a son of God, the father of my children. I can't/won't get any further than that. It's too big of a risk for my newly healed heart to take.
What is so perplexing to him is why I don't love love him now. My only explanation is that... in trying to protect my self from what felt like his emotional assaults on my spirit, I stopped loving him as my husband. I had to take back my power, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had to stop being vulnerable to him.I was a love hemophiliac.... hemorrhaging all over the place. Trying to find something to stop the bleeding, but was always looking in the wrong place. Then one day it clicked. I could stop the bleeding. I shut it off.
That's when this crazy thing happened. Me! This happy, excited, fun, determined woman. And I love her! She is amazing!!
So, Why don't,can't won't I love him like a husband. I guess it would feel like I'm going backwards. Making myself vulnerable and open to him does not feel safe to me. Yes, I know people can change, I've seen it, I've lived it. It can happen. Does that mean God expects us to just let them back in without question? I don't think so. Does that erase the consequences of past behavior? I don't think so either. Can you start in a new place and move forward... maybe.. but without expectations.
I love him, have compassion for him, and forgive him because he is a human being, a son of God, the father of my children. I can't/won't get any further than that. It's too big of a risk for my newly healed heart to take.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Fear
I shouldn't wait so long to blog.... I have so much to say that I can't decide what to talk about.
I have been thinking a lot about fear lately. I'm told that that emotion doesn't come from God.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18-19
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
"Be not afraid of sudden fear." Proverbs something (sorry)
There are some things we should fear.... bad people with guns in our house, walking alone in a bad neighborhood at 3 a.m., spiders, bats, etc. We need to take precautions. The fear I am referring to is the fear that paralyzes us... keeps us from progressing, fear of failure, and fear of the unknown. For me, When something has come from God is has brought comfort, peace, love, joy.... sometimes a warning to do something or not to do something. Never fear though.
Looking back on my life... I can see where I let fear keep me from doing things, or doing them how I should have. Where I let it paralyze me; keeping me from moving forward. That really sucks, because it leads to regrets. I hate regrets. So, I'm trying really really hard to push through my fears. And I have so many right now! I keep trying to trust that Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, and will help me even if I'm totally imperfect & stupid sometimes.
I have to believe I'm moving in a good direction. I feel alive, hopeful, excited, and generally happy. Compared to a year ago... night and day.
I have been thinking a lot about fear lately. I'm told that that emotion doesn't come from God.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18-19
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
"Be not afraid of sudden fear." Proverbs something (sorry)
There are some things we should fear.... bad people with guns in our house, walking alone in a bad neighborhood at 3 a.m., spiders, bats, etc. We need to take precautions. The fear I am referring to is the fear that paralyzes us... keeps us from progressing, fear of failure, and fear of the unknown. For me, When something has come from God is has brought comfort, peace, love, joy.... sometimes a warning to do something or not to do something. Never fear though.
Looking back on my life... I can see where I let fear keep me from doing things, or doing them how I should have. Where I let it paralyze me; keeping me from moving forward. That really sucks, because it leads to regrets. I hate regrets. So, I'm trying really really hard to push through my fears. And I have so many right now! I keep trying to trust that Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, and will help me even if I'm totally imperfect & stupid sometimes.
I have to believe I'm moving in a good direction. I feel alive, hopeful, excited, and generally happy. Compared to a year ago... night and day.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Breathe.............
I have been super stressing the last few days. For a lot of reasons, but one main one imparticular. The girls Dad/my husband is coming to visit for almost 2 weeks (gulp). We've been separated for about 11 months now. He has come two other times to visit them here. The Christmas visit was especially hard on me. So, I'm very apprehensive.
I'm trying to be a good parent and person. We are working on being friends right now. That was something lacking in our marriage. For most of our marriage I wasn't even sure if he liked me, and would ask him quite frequently if he did. His standard response was... "I wouldn't be here if I didn't." Not the loving reassurance I was longing for, but I imagined it was the best he could do.
What makes me anxious is his confrontational spirit. He flies off the handle first, calms down, apologizes, and then can start a rational conversation. The problem is... I don't respond well to the lashing out, and shut down. When I am around him, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. All the time. Him and I disagree on the reasons for my feeling this way, but it doesn't change the fact that I do. So, I'm trying to prepare myself for the visit. Wendy (the therapist) and I talked about setting boundaries before he comes. Like... not sleeping in the same room, making sure I have some time away from him to myself, not discussing important issues infront of the girls, etc.
He is a good person at heart. I know that. He has made some strides to better himself. Is sorry for the way he treated me before our marriage and throughout it. I take responsibility for my own actions also. I didn't communicate my feelings very well. I internalized almost everything. I was truly trying to be obedient to Heavenly Father, have patience with the man I married, and try to do the best I could with the choices I had made. The problem was... I woke up one day and had had enough. I was tired of feeling inadequate and small. I won't get into specifics, but someone close to me advised me to get him into therapy. I consulted my therapist and my Bishop. They both felt that he did need some help.
The whole situation is complex, and involves much more than I have time to blog about. When people hear the watered-down version of our marriage, I often am advised to give the guy another chance. I try to be patient and kindly tell them that they don't have all the information, that saying that isn't helpful. I can't tell you the hours I have prayed, pleaded, begged, hoped, cried, and dreamed of something better. Sometimes the hurt is so painful, the scars so deep, that you can forgive but you have to let go.
I pray for him, I pray for our girls, I pray for myself. Something is not good or right when the person you are supposed to love sends you into a panic attack just being in their presence. It's wrong to feel like you can't breathe and want to throw up. At the same time, I'm strangled by the guilt of ending our marriage, and changing the girls lives forever. We're not sealed in the Temple, and that makes things more and less complicated. By ending the marriage... the girls will not be sealed to their father and me. On the other side, I am free to marry someone else for eternity without a cancellation of sealing through the Church. (Chances are I will be a 2nd wife to someone already sealed, and I will have issues with that too... ugh!That is for another post.)
Anyway.... Off I go into the dark abyss of uncertainty that I've become accostumed to. I really am trying to be forgiving and fair. It just seems like no matter how hard I try it isn't good enough though.
I'm trying to be a good parent and person. We are working on being friends right now. That was something lacking in our marriage. For most of our marriage I wasn't even sure if he liked me, and would ask him quite frequently if he did. His standard response was... "I wouldn't be here if I didn't." Not the loving reassurance I was longing for, but I imagined it was the best he could do.
What makes me anxious is his confrontational spirit. He flies off the handle first, calms down, apologizes, and then can start a rational conversation. The problem is... I don't respond well to the lashing out, and shut down. When I am around him, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. All the time. Him and I disagree on the reasons for my feeling this way, but it doesn't change the fact that I do. So, I'm trying to prepare myself for the visit. Wendy (the therapist) and I talked about setting boundaries before he comes. Like... not sleeping in the same room, making sure I have some time away from him to myself, not discussing important issues infront of the girls, etc.
He is a good person at heart. I know that. He has made some strides to better himself. Is sorry for the way he treated me before our marriage and throughout it. I take responsibility for my own actions also. I didn't communicate my feelings very well. I internalized almost everything. I was truly trying to be obedient to Heavenly Father, have patience with the man I married, and try to do the best I could with the choices I had made. The problem was... I woke up one day and had had enough. I was tired of feeling inadequate and small. I won't get into specifics, but someone close to me advised me to get him into therapy. I consulted my therapist and my Bishop. They both felt that he did need some help.
The whole situation is complex, and involves much more than I have time to blog about. When people hear the watered-down version of our marriage, I often am advised to give the guy another chance. I try to be patient and kindly tell them that they don't have all the information, that saying that isn't helpful. I can't tell you the hours I have prayed, pleaded, begged, hoped, cried, and dreamed of something better. Sometimes the hurt is so painful, the scars so deep, that you can forgive but you have to let go.
I pray for him, I pray for our girls, I pray for myself. Something is not good or right when the person you are supposed to love sends you into a panic attack just being in their presence. It's wrong to feel like you can't breathe and want to throw up. At the same time, I'm strangled by the guilt of ending our marriage, and changing the girls lives forever. We're not sealed in the Temple, and that makes things more and less complicated. By ending the marriage... the girls will not be sealed to their father and me. On the other side, I am free to marry someone else for eternity without a cancellation of sealing through the Church. (Chances are I will be a 2nd wife to someone already sealed, and I will have issues with that too... ugh!That is for another post.)
Anyway.... Off I go into the dark abyss of uncertainty that I've become accostumed to. I really am trying to be forgiving and fair. It just seems like no matter how hard I try it isn't good enough though.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Dang Computer!!!
I'm in blogging withdrawl! My decrepit laptop is on its way out. I hate blogging from my phone. I'm hiding in my parent's house blogging from their computer.
Since I last blogged things have been insane. The troops are out of school!!! Which I love and not-love. I don't have to be up at 5:50 to take S1 to seminary, and haul everyone else to school by 8-something. On the other hand I get almost no time to myself, or a nice block of time to clean without interruption. They are so much fun though when they aren't trying to kill each other. Things will really change this Fall. I will have all 5 in school including myself.
An update on S1... She broke her arm!!!! This is her fourth broken bone in her short 15 years. Of course she broke it playing soccer. She looks ridiculous in a sling and a heart monitor. Speaking of heart, we are going back to the cardiologist in July. Doing the cardiac MRI and possibly an EP Study. She got her new heart monitor in the mail yesterday. It's pretty sweet. It's like a cell phone. It keeps track of her rhythms 24 hours a day. If she experiences symptoms, she punches them in like a text message and sends them. If S1 shows something abnormal the cardiologist is immediately notified and shown the abnormality. Technology is amazing.
I'm trying to keep the summer sort of structured for the kids. We made chore charts with cards they decorated themselves. We have a baking day (S2's fave), an activity day,craft day, and garage sale-ing day. Every Monday I take one daughter to lunch to get a little "alone with Mom time". I know I sound pretty organized, but don't be fooled. It's day to day, and I'm not anal about it. But, It helps keep a flow going, boredom at bay, and my house from exploding into total choas.
So, I got to go to my therapist after almost two months of scheduling and rescheduling appts. Yes, I see one. I'm not ashamed. Her name is Wendy. She is like the friend who listens to all my problems, but can't tell me to quit whining because I'm paying her. She's really great. I went in this week totally focused on something... resolved... set, and she totally flipped it around on me. Made me see it in a completely different way. Turns out I'm just a big fat chicken who avoids conflict at all costs. I knew that, but I'm paying her to actually say it outloud so I can't deny it. Even though I came away from the session a little confused.. I still felt relief. I realized how I really do look at the world through my own skewed perspective of personal experiences and thoughts. It is quite shocking to have your eyes opened sometimes! New and different perspectives are always good to consider. So, I'm going to chew on that for awhile....
Since I last blogged things have been insane. The troops are out of school!!! Which I love and not-love. I don't have to be up at 5:50 to take S1 to seminary, and haul everyone else to school by 8-something. On the other hand I get almost no time to myself, or a nice block of time to clean without interruption. They are so much fun though when they aren't trying to kill each other. Things will really change this Fall. I will have all 5 in school including myself.
An update on S1... She broke her arm!!!! This is her fourth broken bone in her short 15 years. Of course she broke it playing soccer. She looks ridiculous in a sling and a heart monitor. Speaking of heart, we are going back to the cardiologist in July. Doing the cardiac MRI and possibly an EP Study. She got her new heart monitor in the mail yesterday. It's pretty sweet. It's like a cell phone. It keeps track of her rhythms 24 hours a day. If she experiences symptoms, she punches them in like a text message and sends them. If S1 shows something abnormal the cardiologist is immediately notified and shown the abnormality. Technology is amazing.
I'm trying to keep the summer sort of structured for the kids. We made chore charts with cards they decorated themselves. We have a baking day (S2's fave), an activity day,craft day, and garage sale-ing day. Every Monday I take one daughter to lunch to get a little "alone with Mom time". I know I sound pretty organized, but don't be fooled. It's day to day, and I'm not anal about it. But, It helps keep a flow going, boredom at bay, and my house from exploding into total choas.
So, I got to go to my therapist after almost two months of scheduling and rescheduling appts. Yes, I see one. I'm not ashamed. Her name is Wendy. She is like the friend who listens to all my problems, but can't tell me to quit whining because I'm paying her. She's really great. I went in this week totally focused on something... resolved... set, and she totally flipped it around on me. Made me see it in a completely different way. Turns out I'm just a big fat chicken who avoids conflict at all costs. I knew that, but I'm paying her to actually say it outloud so I can't deny it. Even though I came away from the session a little confused.. I still felt relief. I realized how I really do look at the world through my own skewed perspective of personal experiences and thoughts. It is quite shocking to have your eyes opened sometimes! New and different perspectives are always good to consider. So, I'm going to chew on that for awhile....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Official Report on S1
The bottom line is................ THEY AREN'T SURE! So frustrating. But.... her stress test came out clean. So she can still play soccer (yay!). The ECHO showed only a slight leak in the Mitral Valve. That is hereditary in my fam. I have it too, so not a big deal. She cracked her sternum a few years ago chesting balls during soccer practice, so the doc is also going to look at that MRI. She wants to see if something is irritating S1's heart because of that. So, S1 has to pay attention to her body, and wear a helmet (haha!jk! Inside joke) event monitor for 30 days. S1 is also the queen of knocking herself out, and getting concussions. So, We tease her about having to wear a helmet just to walk around the house. Anyway, After all the tests and discussions with the cardiologist we deicded to get lunch.
Since there is no In-n-Out Burger here. :( We have to "settle" for Five Guys. Still yummy tho. Then we walked around downtown for a little bit. Lots of quirky hippie shops in this area. The smell of inscense lingering in the air. The pet dog walking around the store. They are so fun! I came close to buying a Grateful Dead shirt. S1 found a cute dress to wear to some graduation parties this weekend. We picked out some fun hemp bracelets and necklaces. I got to explain to S1 what "bongs" are. The bumper stickers on the wall were hilarious! The best one was.... "Sorry I haven't been at church much. I've been too busy becoming a lesbian and practicing witchcraft." I wanted to buy it just for shock value. I think it would be funny to pull into the Church parking lot on Sunday with that on my car. (To be PC.... I don't care who someone loves, or if they believe in God or not. Not my biz.) After the stress of the morning, it was nice to have some fun mother/daughter time together. Hopefully, the good news from the tests is the beginning of a good fun summer for all of us!
Since there is no In-n-Out Burger here. :( We have to "settle" for Five Guys. Still yummy tho. Then we walked around downtown for a little bit. Lots of quirky hippie shops in this area. The smell of inscense lingering in the air. The pet dog walking around the store. They are so fun! I came close to buying a Grateful Dead shirt. S1 found a cute dress to wear to some graduation parties this weekend. We picked out some fun hemp bracelets and necklaces. I got to explain to S1 what "bongs" are. The bumper stickers on the wall were hilarious! The best one was.... "Sorry I haven't been at church much. I've been too busy becoming a lesbian and practicing witchcraft." I wanted to buy it just for shock value. I think it would be funny to pull into the Church parking lot on Sunday with that on my car. (To be PC.... I don't care who someone loves, or if they believe in God or not. Not my biz.) After the stress of the morning, it was nice to have some fun mother/daughter time together. Hopefully, the good news from the tests is the beginning of a good fun summer for all of us!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Duck and Cover
Since I have 5 daughters, and they all start with S... the family joke is to refer to them as S1,S2,S3,S4, and S5. So, That is how I will refer to the here to protect their identities.
So.... S1, who is 15, has been having health problems for almost 2 years. Lots of tests, doctors appointments, specialists. As soon as we get one thing kind of figured out another thing pops up. About 2 weeks ago she had a heart monitor on her for a 24 hour period. She had had some episodes of fainting and dizziness. Her Dad really pushed me to get her into the doctor about that, and I'm glad he did. I got a call from the pediatric cardiologist last night that she might have Ventricular Tachycardia. Which is the condition you might hear about when an athlete suddenly drops dead on the field or court for no apparent reason. Their tachycardia went into fibrillation, and they died. So, I'm grateful we caught it before S1 died running around on the soccer field. I'm really sad for my daughter though. I had a strong feeling when she was born that she was different. She had and still has this pureness and kindness about her, even with the teenage sarcasm and growing pains. I don't know why she is having these trials. It seems so unfair, but I have to believe God has a plan for her. I can't help but feel a little angry though. I already buried my son, and I don't know if my family could withstand another loss like that. I am praying for her in my heart.... for strength, health, courage, and love to withstand these trials. I'm praying for her sisters to be able to support her and each other through this. I pray for my husband... even though things are strained between us. I feel like we have been trying to duck and cover through this little war have going on in our lives right now.
So.... S1, who is 15, has been having health problems for almost 2 years. Lots of tests, doctors appointments, specialists. As soon as we get one thing kind of figured out another thing pops up. About 2 weeks ago she had a heart monitor on her for a 24 hour period. She had had some episodes of fainting and dizziness. Her Dad really pushed me to get her into the doctor about that, and I'm glad he did. I got a call from the pediatric cardiologist last night that she might have Ventricular Tachycardia. Which is the condition you might hear about when an athlete suddenly drops dead on the field or court for no apparent reason. Their tachycardia went into fibrillation, and they died. So, I'm grateful we caught it before S1 died running around on the soccer field. I'm really sad for my daughter though. I had a strong feeling when she was born that she was different. She had and still has this pureness and kindness about her, even with the teenage sarcasm and growing pains. I don't know why she is having these trials. It seems so unfair, but I have to believe God has a plan for her. I can't help but feel a little angry though. I already buried my son, and I don't know if my family could withstand another loss like that. I am praying for her in my heart.... for strength, health, courage, and love to withstand these trials. I'm praying for her sisters to be able to support her and each other through this. I pray for my husband... even though things are strained between us. I feel like we have been trying to duck and cover through this little war have going on in our lives right now.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Starting Over
I'm on the cusp of a new era. I've been separated a little under a year (ouch). I'm about to turn the big 4-0 (gulp). I'm heading back to school to do something I love (yay me!). And every single bit of this scares the hell out of me.
This was not the life I had imagined for myself. Who really gets that life though!? I made lots of good decisions, and lots of bad decisions. My best decisions were choosing to be baptized LDS at age 16, moving far away from home at 17,making some fabulous friends I love dearly, serving a mission in Argentina, and my 5 amazing and beautiful daughters, and one heavenly son. My bad decisions.... hhmmm.... serving my mission (that one is complicated), rushing into marriage(ditto), not getting my degree(duh!).
About 10 months ago my girls and I moved in with my parents in the midwest. My parents are in their early 70's. Being so close to them has been a real blessing for me. I'm so glad that they have been able to get to know my children. I was worried my girls wouldn't get to know my parents like I wanted them too.The girls and I clean their house, mow their lawn, and help out anyway that we can.... and my parents love me and the girls to death. They help bus my kids around, are often last minute baby-sitters, and do all kinds of little things that make my life easier. It's a win-win.
I know you're wondering what is up with the marriage.... things are hard. Lots of mistakes on both parts. I know this sounds cliche, but I really did lose myself. I wasn't me anymore. I was miserable and depressed, and I think he was too. We had made plans to move in with my parents before the separation, and I hadn't planned on getting a divorce from the get-go. Even though it seems that way from the outside. He planned to come out last Fall, but unforeseen circumstances arose, and he took a job in another state. So, We are muddling through the murky waters of separation and divorce. I've prayed a lot, got a few Priesthood Blessings, got a therapist, and lean on my close friends for support. This starting over stuff is scary....
This was not the life I had imagined for myself. Who really gets that life though!? I made lots of good decisions, and lots of bad decisions. My best decisions were choosing to be baptized LDS at age 16, moving far away from home at 17,making some fabulous friends I love dearly, serving a mission in Argentina, and my 5 amazing and beautiful daughters, and one heavenly son. My bad decisions.... hhmmm.... serving my mission (that one is complicated), rushing into marriage(ditto), not getting my degree(duh!).
About 10 months ago my girls and I moved in with my parents in the midwest. My parents are in their early 70's. Being so close to them has been a real blessing for me. I'm so glad that they have been able to get to know my children. I was worried my girls wouldn't get to know my parents like I wanted them too.The girls and I clean their house, mow their lawn, and help out anyway that we can.... and my parents love me and the girls to death. They help bus my kids around, are often last minute baby-sitters, and do all kinds of little things that make my life easier. It's a win-win.
I know you're wondering what is up with the marriage.... things are hard. Lots of mistakes on both parts. I know this sounds cliche, but I really did lose myself. I wasn't me anymore. I was miserable and depressed, and I think he was too. We had made plans to move in with my parents before the separation, and I hadn't planned on getting a divorce from the get-go. Even though it seems that way from the outside. He planned to come out last Fall, but unforeseen circumstances arose, and he took a job in another state. So, We are muddling through the murky waters of separation and divorce. I've prayed a lot, got a few Priesthood Blessings, got a therapist, and lean on my close friends for support. This starting over stuff is scary....
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